You may be wondering why I'm presenting a discussion on spanking here at Confessions of a WAHM. First, the M in WAHM stands for Mom and in being a mom, I have to occasionally discipline my children. Second, as a home based contract social worker for an adoption agency, talking to parents about discipline as it relates to the required "Corporal Punishment Statement" frequently brings up the question of spanking.
The topic of spanking is much like religion and politics. People have very strong opinions and usually, its best to avoid the topic all together. When I talk about spanking, I don't go into whether it's "okay" or "not okay". For me, discipline is about more than punishment. My goal is to not only teach my children appropriate behavior, but also to have them take responsibility for their behavior, to be accountable for their actions, to problem solve alternatives to misbehavior and when necessary pay restitution. Spanking doesn't do that.
Now, when I mention I don't spank, I get looks like from people that say, "Your kids must be out of control," (I assure you they aren't) or I'm quoted the "spare the rod spoil the child" from the Bible. Why is it people think that if you don't spank, you aren't disciplining at all? Spanking isn't the only punishment available to parents. Neither is time-out (which is usually done incorrectly). I have a whole arsenal of interventions and strategies to keep my children in line and teach them acceptable behavior. And they work because now at 12 and 9 years old, they are rarely in trouble.
But there is another part of spanking that doesn't really make sense. Why do we expect better behavior and inflict greater punishment on children than adults. I hear parents say, "My son...he knew better than to ..." But how many times to adults break rules and they REALLY should know better. Lets take speeding. We all know that speeding is against the rules. Just to make sure we know it, there are signs posted all over the roads to help remind us. And yet, how often to people speed?
And adults are just like kids when they are caught. A child will look at a parents with "Huh? I don't know what you are talking about," expression when caught misbehaving. Then they come up with an excuse, "Well, he did it first...". Think about the last time you were pulled over for speeding. "Gee officer, I can't imagine why you pulled me over." "You know, I got new tires and I don't think they are calibrated correctly." Just like a good parent, the officer is going to punish you. Why bother with an excuse? Fortunately, instead of hitting you, he writes you a ticket that will cost you money.
Hitting for getting a speeding ticket, how absurd. But its only absurd because you're an adult. Society says it's okay to do it to children. Several years ago, an young man was arrested and found guilty for vandalism in the Philippines (I think). He was punished by receiving lashings. There was an outcry in the US and requests for President Clinton to intervene. The punishment was viewed as barbaric. And yet, I have to wonder, how many children have been spanked after writing on the wall?
Then there is the fact that we expect children to behave BETTER than we do as adults. I've already shown that adults frequently break rules. But, adults will usually continue to break rules if they aren't caught. For example, after getting a speeding ticket, how long after the the officer has driven off, does it take to start speeding again? Five minutes? Now you might be saying, "Well it doesn't work because most people will speed again." You're right. But it doesn't work because the choice of punishment. The reason people speed again is because they know that odds are they won't get caught. So why are we surprised that children will do the same? So why do we expect our children to hear a rule once and abide by forever without any reminding or trying to get away with it?
Let's face it, adults really have it easy. For the most part, they aren't caught when they misbehave. When they are caught, they're usually given a fine. For really bad stuff, they get a time out also known as jail. Only for murder do adults suffer physical punishment in the form of the death penalty, which many say isn't a deterrent to murder.
While there are some who'd like to see corporal punishment back not just for children, but adults too, I understand that discipline isn't about payback or causing pain. Its about teaching, building character and helping children develop into responsible adults that consider the impact of their behavior on others. Consequences children receive for misbehavior should make sense and teach them something. It should be consistent. To do all of the above requires work on your part. Any parent that thinks they can parent from the couch will be horribly disappointed. I have packed up toys, carried my children to a time out spot, unplugged the television and threatened to give it away, and so on. These take a lot of energy. But, the little effort pays off. Now, I just have to say, "You're about 3 seconds away from losing the television. What do you think you should do?" and my children immediately stop and begin to think about alternatives that won't get them in trouble.
That is my two cents on the spanking debate. Because you don't spank doesn't mean you spoil or coddle your child as long as you have consequences for misbehavior and you enforce them consistently. I have no trouble sending my kids out into the world. I don't worry about how they will behave. You may be thinking, "Yeah, well you're the mother. Mothers never see bad behavior in their own children." But I feel confident that if I could have their teachers, friends' parents, and other relatives comment here, that they would tell you, my kids, overall, are very well behaved.
By the way, if you'd like to read my favorite book on parenting with my favorite parenting strategies, check out
How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Leslie
